I Am Enough!

Here at Relax With Lucy & Co, we love hearing from linspirational people, sally is one of those people.

Ever felt like you are not enough?

Have a read of our following guest blog…..

Words by Sally.

For years I have skirted around this statement and have stepped so many times closer to it, but not resting there permanently.  Its been this goal that would allow itself to be held in my fingers for a short time and eventually would slip through them like butter that has melted and won’t return to the solid-state.

The quest for anything takes time and patience and the one foot in front of the other mantra, the desire to get to where you want to go has to be strong enough for you to keep going when the going gets tough. I have the Billy Ocean song playing in my head now!!!

You see anything that gets compounded in our lives, by repetition has its journey to take before it can be released and with that, I hope everyone reading this can be kind on themselves, so when they have the eureka days of attaining whatever it is they wish to embody more of, and then the opposite days when you feel everything crash back down on top of you and you are struggling to breathe. Know that this is the process and that it’s OK.

It’s OK to stumble, it’s OK to doubt, its OK to ‘fall short’. It’s not so much the counting of which days and how you felt on them, but the fact that you are still stepping up and stepping forward.

I have recently and deliberately slowed down this December. I am saying no to anything that wastes my time and yes to quiet time. Time inside my inner sanctuary; me.

The resistance to do so has been huge, to say the least, how socially acceptable it has become to keep busy, to not stop until a crash/burn out/illness or the like. Where has that sacrifice of self come from? Only listening when there is no other choice.

So I have chosen and with the wintertime of introspection so so much has come up for me and I will share a timely memory for you all, that came up in my quiet time a couple of days ago.

It was myself as a child and my late father. I recalled this really clear memory, as a child I was desperately trying to spend time with him, and the only way to do that was to follow him in his work. As a farmer, he worked dawn till dusk, but it was more than the role, he just worked, he did nothing else, worked, ate, slept.

So on this day I decided to try and keep up with him, he was striding in front of me, these long legs with dark grey wellies on, a flat cap, dark grey trousers and an old dark grey jacket, that he always wore. As he stepped on the muddy track leaving footprints in the wet earth I did my very best to put my feet in his footprints. As a young child, though I couldn’t, I just could not get my legs to stretch enough to reach.

The sadness for me was that the memory showed me so much, he never looked back and he didn’t stop, I did. I stopped following him and I stopped trying.

In that memory it showed so much, it showed everything I needed to see right now and precisely the message to help me with the title of this blog. You see for me as he walked on and kept on walking, all through my childhood, he just kept going and he didn’t see me trying so desperately to spend time with my dad.

In the giving up, unfortunately, I took the message that I wasn’t enough, I wasn’t enough for him to want to spend time with. I just wasn’t enough. I know this because there became an emptiness between him and me, this nothing almost. I learnt to feel nothing rather than anything and that’s so sad, writing this as an adult, the key figures in your life are your parents and every single relationship after is moulded from this clay.

I can honestly say that my relationships with men were atrocious and now with compassion and the bigger picture I can see why. I was never enough and with that came great power for the men, and I was the one still running after the man in the wellies. Without realising it I was recreating the original pain, running after men who would keep on walking.

The reason I share this now is with the memory I can find more peace about my past, which is the truth about all reflective time, but its because a ‘penny dropped’ for me as I walked down memory lane. My father was not walking away from me, he was walking away from himself, as a child his childhood was brutal and he never shared his emotions, talked about anything other than superficial things.

He was a man walking from his pain and that’s why he never stopped. It was not that I wasn’t enough, it was not that he didn’t see me, he didn’t see himself, he couldn’t. He couldn’t sit with his own true needs and listen to what was inside of him, so he would not have the capacity to do it for me.

You see I am enough, I always was, so yes it got compounded by relationships with men who were walking and running from their own pasts, who couldn’t hold their own heads above water, let alone hold space for me.

To see the threads of your past, back to the very beginning is like seeing the spider that made the web. As we work on ourselves we may see a strand or part of the web of our pasts. In allowing time and space to see the very beginning you are able to allow space for the entirety of the web and what it has to teach us.

I have worked through so much yes with relationships with men, and women, my work, my parenting, my looks and more. You see the mantra of ‘I am not enough’ has affected every single aspect of my life, every.

So as you look inside and see what needs to be seen, have love and compassion for yourself as you step back, and just like my story of the man walking in his wellies, you too can be led down the memory lane track, you too can look back and see what needs to be seen. The wholeness of what was.

In allowing the full vision of this time in my life, it has set me free and also my memory of my father has more compassion weaved into it. I know I will need to bring a focus on the repetitive thoughts that have been running loose in my mind, coming from this sad mantra, but with repetition, I know my mind can embrace a new landscape, once the belief is released the rest is just practice.

It’s worth the work, as it affects every aspect of your life.

So read this, you are enough!

Don’t believe it?

Step back.

Sally Anne Saint is founder of Wise Woman Guide she is passionate about inspiring women who feel broken, blocked, lost and unsure, As you walk with her, as you read her words, it will unlock something inside of you, as she shares from her heart. She openly shares her experiences past and present, she connects with you to remind you of your truth. That no matter what has happened to you in life, you can transform it, you can be free, you can break ancestral patterns, cycles, the inner critic and that which surrounds you and holds you down.

To connect with her teachings and more click here